Healing After Toxic Relationships
Self-trust is an essential ingredient for healthy dating, relationships and decision-making. In a recent Let’s Get Vulnerable podcast episode, one of my listeners asked the question: "How can I tell if I'm actually not into him, or if my brain is still working on rewiring itself toward healthier, emotionally available partners?" Many people struggle with this dilemma, which can lead to confusion, self-doubt and even self-sabotage.
The fear of making the wrong decision can lead to outsourcing the job of knowing what's meant for you to others. When you don't have self-trust, you're likely to second-guess yourself and seek validation from friends and family, which can be exhausting and confusing. To develop self-trust, you need to be able to tune inward and understand who you are attracted to and who you are not attracted to.
It is from a place of secure attachment that we can make those decisions well. Many people miss this point and think they just need to give it a little time or ask their friends for their opinion. However, this is not the solution. Instead, you need to learn how to regulate your emotions, self-soothe and embody that securely attached version of you.
Building self-trust is a process, and it requires identifying your securely attached relationship vision. You need to know how you want to feel in your ideal relationship and what that looks like in practice. This involves creating definitions that are not just words on a page but emotional states and ways of being. For example, if you want to feel emotionally safe, that looks like open, honest, direct communication, feeling heard, understood and valued.
As you're dating, you need to ask yourself if the connection you have with someone aligns with your securely attached relationship vision. You also need to be on the lookout for fear, as a dysregulated attachment system — whether the style is disorganized, anxious, or avoidant, it is rooted in fear. Therefore, you need to determine whether your desire to push someone away is coming from a place of fear or a genuine securely attached self.
To sum it up, building self-trust is essential for healthy dating and relationships. It requires learning how to regulate your emotions, self-soothe and embody your securely attached self. You also need to identify your securely attached relationship vision and determine if your desired action is rooted in fear or a genuine desire for a securely attached relationship. By doing this, you can build healthy relationships based on trust and mutual respect.
