Coping With Rejection On Your Dating Journey
“Rejection is simply redirection to what is meant for you. “ - Dr. Morgan Anderson
I just want to start out by normalizing the fear of rejection. If it’s something you experience, please know you are not alone. It's completely normal that you would have those feelings come up while you're dating and there are ways to work through them. What really breaks my heart is if you let your fear of rejection run the show. If you're letting it impact how you're showing up in dating, and you're letting it impact the decisions you're making in your love life, it’s time to change that.
First off, of course fear of rejection is going to come up. It can and will happen. But how do we acknowledge it and move through it in a healthy way so that it doesn't impact our results?
Dealing with fear of rejection in a healthy way starts with acknowledging the ways you’re looking for approval and love from others. I call this “outsourcing your self-worth,” as in, you are not taking ownership of your own self-worth. When you’re looking to other people to tell you that you’re good enough, of course you will be deeply impacted by what they think of you. So when you've outsourced your self-worth, your fear of rejection is going to feel crippling. Being rejected is going to feel like death. And it can biologically, right? It can feel like you're not going to make it biologically because that's how evolutionarily we're wired, is that we need people and we need each other for survival.
Part of helping yourself navigate the fear of rejection is doing the inner work to take ownership over your worthiness and really take back your self-worth and know that you are enough. You are worthy. No one else's opinion of you or rejection of you has anything to do with your worth, right? And there's so much belief work, releasing the past, rewiring your beliefs about yourself and your beliefs about relationships, learning how to regulate your emotions, there's so much that goes into learning how to step into your worthiness, but I would say that is top priority for learning how to not get completely thrown off by fear of rejection.
Yes, it takes work, right? You have to be willing to rewire your brain and do the work.
You have to be willing to show up differently in order to get different results. If you think about it, you show up differently, you get different results, different inputs, different outputs. And a lot of people are just showing up the same way over and over and over and they're wanting a different result. And that's just not how it works.
The reality is to release fear of rejection, part of it is deep belief work because that fear of rejection, your brain is seeing it as a coping skill. Your brain might currently see fear of rejection as a way to help you get what you want. For example: “If I'm anxious and I'm worried about being rejected and if I feel like I'm not good enough, that's going to help me get what I want.” And maybe that way of thinking helped you at one point, but it's not helping you as a healthy, emotionally regulated, securely attached adult.
The next thing besides your belief system is mindset. When it comes to fear of rejection, one of the major, major things is having a scarcity mindset. Scarcity mindset that love is not available to you, that you probably already missed out on your soulmate, “all of the good ones are gone,” etc.. Maybe you've already dated them and you've already messed it up, right? A scarcity mindset, this is a lot of times connected with anxious attachment, but it's also connected with avoidant attachment because with avoidantly attached folks, they're like, yeah, there's no one “good enough” for me.
Instead of a scarcity mindset, you want to have an abundance mindset. The truth is, there are so many people out there right now who would love to build the kind of relationship that you want to build. I do not believe in one soulmate. I believe that we can intentionally build a soulmate partnership.
There are so many people out there right now who are emotionally available, securely attached, who want to build a close, loving, intimate, healthy partnership. These stats are going to surprise you, but 50% of the population is actually securely attached. And a lot of us who have struggled in our childhoods or struggled in our dating lives, that's really hard for us to imagine. Like, whoa, half the population is good at relationships and open to building great connections. And I'm here to tell you, yes, you may not have been attracted to securely attached folks in the past, because it doesn't fit your beliefs about love, but there are many people out there who are securely attached, emotionally available, and they want a great relationship.
There you have it! Fear of rejection can be dealt with by doing deep belief work, and being aware of your mindset. I hope you apply these frameworks to your life right away, and start to notice the fear of rejection loosening its grip on you.
If you need help overcoming fear of rejection, and you want direct coaching on your belief systems, attachment style and mindset, I’d highly encourage you to apply to the Empowered.Secure.Loved. 8-Week Relationship Program!
In 8 Weeks you will release the past, learn to embody a secure attachment style, and rewire your brain for healthy love. It is everything you need to heal the relationship with yourself and attract the romantic partner you’ve always wanted.
